It’s time for another Friday video message and this one is all about finding or having found your soul mate.
Let’s see what your thoughts are and how juicy this discussion gets!
I am a Person of the Book who has been attending a certain place of worship where the services are almost entirely sung for a bit over 6 years now. I met M while trying to figure out whether I couldn’t make use of my trained voice for solo purposes on those weeks when the choir wasn’t singing.
I remember climbing the narrow, steep winding staircase to the choir loft on 12 October 2003, seeing a hobbit-like man emerging from behind the organ, clearly not pleased with my intrusion on his customary solitude. But nonetheless, we founded a Baroque ensemble.
And I remember sitting on the wall downstairs by the gate on a cold, snowy day in late December. We were to put on our first concert outside the service in a few weeks. M materialized with the keys, and then shyly proceeded to give me suggestions about how to organize the event.
Twenty minutes later, he had told me at least the theory behind basically everything I now know about such matters, and we said goodbye. And at that moment, it finally dawned on me: he does have a handsome face, doesn’t he?
Trying to fly, being obliged to walk, and doing neither well, I made my way home. Not even two weeks later, I found myself completely smitten with a man who at first glance had been the very last person I would have expected to fall in love with.
It’s been a bit of a soap opera since then – someone trying to make me admit my feelings to M but having it come across as flirtation, someone else whose identity I don’t know to this day telling M that I’ve become emotionally attached to him. But I am getting ahead of myself…
In the meantime there was the New Year’s Eve concert – the only one to date that M and I have done with just the two of us – and the New Year’s wishes which so quickly and subtly turned into something else that only after the fact did I realize, ‘Oh my God, I just proposed to him!’
Ten months later, that emotional attachment business came up and M thought of one thing: the lady in the congregation who killed herself over a man when he was perhaps 10 years old. And he became worried that if he doesn’t say no now, he won’t be able to later…
And so he said no. But then again, he also gave reasons why he has reservations about me. And all of them had something to do with a concern that I’d disappear someday. So I figured, OK, I have nothing to lose, I’ll just… not disappear, and see what happens.
And so nearly 5 years have gone by. To this day we haven’t gone out on a date or done more than shake hands. We talk once a week on the phone, but only meet in person if there’s something in particular to talk about. Or else I just come and visit his family (mom and dad live with him).
And lately, there has been something to talk about: we’ve gotten to the point where we know pretty much all that can be known about each other without either living together or being told. I’ve made a list, a couple of items are already checked off, next week we’re going to check off another…
I doubt he will be happy to hear any of the things I am going to tell him. Some of them are just completely alien to his experience. I’ve told him that I figure he’ll only continue to consider me if by some miracle he’s so happy that I’ve voluntarily given him an honest account that he’s willing to overlook all the inconveniences.
But in the meantime, we talk every weekend, and the conversation is blessedly free of ‘the elephant in the room’. So I am optimistic that, whatever that means, the situation will turn out well…
This is a very good topic! As a single Muslim woman, I am having a lot of difficulty finding a suitable husband. AlhumduAllah, I believe that I would be a great wife to a good Muslim man. I am young (28), educated (MBA), and a good Muslim (Allah is the best of judges). The major problem is just having the oppurtunity to meet good muslim guys. Unfortunately, the Muslim community does not have many events or settings that allow you to find a spouse. Being a Muslim does not allow you to date and as a Muslim sister who can only marry a Muslim man, the likelihood of bumping into my future husband at the grocery store or coffe shop is rare. AlhumduAllah, we do have some options but they are just not enough. I know that the right brother for me is out there…it just seems to be a hard task to find him. Any advice, assistance, ideas, would be greatly appreciated Hook ups are welcome too. lol
The only reason I mentioned being a Person of the Book was so people wouldn’t be shocked when I talked about music at worship services. But I think the principle applies to other religions: of course not the coffee shop or the grocery store, but rather the mosque, or maybe some course in Islamic education… If people aren’t getting together, you can always organize group outings yourself. You can get sisters you are friendly with in your age group to invite their brothers or maybe a couple of good single Muslim men from work, have an odd number of people. Or organize activities in causes you care about – the environment, feeding the hungry, whatever.
We met through islamic matrimonials site. Talked by email and phone. I met his family. We talked on phone. Email. Have been married almost 7 yrs. He is my best freind and soulmate. We have beautiful family Now. Alhamdulilah.
I’m single and ready to mingle
It’s hard to find guys especially one’s
that my parents approve of. They always
want to have the final say so it kind if sucks.
AA, too all. Well I will keep it short and explain that I met my husband through the Masjid. He respectively asked my Family if he could have the opportunity to get to know me of course in an Islamic appropriate setting. One piece of advice that I can offer other readers is that to have faith in Allah that he will find the right one. This is one thing that we have opposed to waiting aimlessly night after night; following worthless relationships in the end only to find yourself lonely again and, lost. Even though, I am married I notice that in this day and age I see there is much difficulty to find that person (soul mate). I worry about this because I have two daughters and in the future will have to find them suitable husbands. I think there are various reasons why the issue of marriage is becoming more and, more of just that, an issue. I would like to say that depending on ones parents is a suitable answer to this problem but we all have see those scary and ridiculous adds in the horizon magazine. Sad but true parents in some cases have a narrow mind of match for thier children. I know that there are good Muslim brother and sister out there. I see them and they are active in the community and seem to carry themselves in a way that portrays deen. Perhaps, we need to train young Muslim men to step up to plate and take the chance and talk to the big scary BABA. I have heard young sister say that they want to get married but no guys are asking. Lets not forget that Khadigha (raa) asked the beloved Prophet to marry her. Perhaps we might in the future take it in our own hands and take the plunge. I might seem to joke a lot on this issue but I am aware of the concerns and make duaa that Allah will find all the single ladies and men out there perfect matches. (Ameen!!!! Don’t give up hope
Good luck on your journey with M. It sounds like you really care for him. But at the same time, you may want to move on and find someone else if he’s not willing to commit. I’m sure it’s painful to dedicate your life or part of your life to getting to know someone and then it not materializing into anything. Sometimes it’s best to just let go. But if you’re happy with the way things are now, then who am I to say anything.
Salaam: It is definitely harder these days to find someone especially as we women get older. It seems the men are always looking for someone younger. I’ve even heard some say they’re looking for someone “they can mold”. But on the other hand there are definitely great guys out there who just don’t happen to be in the right place at the right time. Try getting involved in more activities in your area, or perhaps visiting other cities. It’s also hard without family connections because you’ll have to figure out where the single people are on your own. I think Islamic conventions are great places to network with folks. The only problem at the end of the day is, how well do you really know these people? Don’t ever jump into anything without thoroughly researching someone.
Amira: Congrats to you, that’s so sweet! I’m happy to hear things are well on your end.
Zeena: Your parents will hopefully come around, sometimes they act that way when they’re having a hard time letting go. They probably still see you as their little baby girl and can’t come to terms that you’re grown up now. Very similar to my story hehe.
Takeya: Thanks so much for your advice. I love what you said about talking to the big scary BABA hahahaha.
Mashallah.. Interesting stories..
for me I’m single 25 years old ..
Our family ( Al-Ahdal )come from the prophetic noble family that called Assadah from Yemen.
I’m sure you heard of it before but I was born and raised in Makkah Saudi Arabia..
I’m known in Makkah for being a singer in Islamic Anasheed band for almost 6 years ..
for me I tried matrimonials web-site but didn’t have my destined one yet. The reason i go there is that I’m not looking for ordinary one from here
but wishing to have a devoted Muslima or new Muslima from USA, my reasons are clear:
1-my love for English language
2-my dream to have raise kids with both languages Arabic and English
I know what you’re thinking but i also knew few American students who also wanted an Arabic Muslim girl from Makkah. and they got what they wish for.
I hope you don’t judge the cover all because I want is a special Islamic life.
As sister Salaam said: ” Hook Ups are welcome too”
Mariam, That’s the point: to get to know each other, test each other out (in a good way), discuss the important stuff and if you turn out not to be on the same page, move on. Sometimes it takes a while to figure things out
hmm.. it is differently hard to meet people, i have a lot of bad experiences especially in conventions, where Mom’s come and try to question you and look at you up and down which i feel some times like if I’m something they are trying to buy… i don’t know maybe i’m just too sensitive.. but the way they come and talk to you is uncomfortable to me.. i don’t know how you guys feel.:)
I am a guy and I got curious about the site because of the boingboing post.
I once looked the marriage sites, and I have to say that most profiles scared me away.
It seems so difficult to find someone who has non materialistic demands.
I wanted to know about a persons dreams, hopes and aspirations. Even if they are “silly” or non realistic.
I think it’s definitely hard to find someone in this day and age even though we have so much technology on our hands. I wish you all luck in finding your future spouse, but I also don’t want to overshadow those who choose to be single. Marriage is not the end all be all of life. If you’re content in your life then don’t feel like you have to change for others.
Asalam-o-alaikum, hope u all r fi9. May ALLAH bless u all ameen.
seriously i enjoyed this topic alottttt….well i m very young girl only 19 not posting 4 marriage purpose its just that i liked the way u guys r discussing as i also think alot on this issue but surely don’t have people interested on this issue.in my circle rather girls say v want to do love marriage (totally blind love) or they want to do totally arrange even without meeting that person or they don’t wana marry hahahahaha ya marriage is not end of the life.I believe v muslim women must b most learned ones…..as what v wil b having in our brains wil help us upbring our childs…well i live in USA but i don’t believe that women is 4 doing job…ya its good to b independent buttt at the end of the day our duty is to bring a good generation that’s the biggest job ALMIGHTY ALLAH has given us…but ya one must b well educated no doubt in that.but i prefer early marriages 4 women specially as this world is very cruel n no matter how much v pretend to b strong, v r sensitive.c my family is like confusing sometimes they say v want u to marry soon sometimes they say studyyyy.i had net male frnds for sometime…but in limits.i don’t like meeting guys.but now i don’t have as my family doesn’t like net male frnds too….my intension was always to b just frnd not more but many proposals came i said no becoz family gona take wrong.n now i have said my father to find someone 4 me as i want to marry soon….so he said i want best 4 u so lets wait 4 best proposal :).n i m all time in my house as just migrated to USA so yet no studies no college n i don’t have frnds here in USA as i feel they r too modern but i wil have new female frnds in college inshallah. so doooo pray 4 my marriage:) hey hey ya i m young but its good to b married in young age one can easily b what ur husband wants u to b.n by the way marriage is a enjoyment too hahahha so y to wait til i become 30 hahahhaha
i really loved this topic.
Do pray 4 me.
May ALLAH guide all of us ameen.
same as maraim i wil also appreciate words of Takeya:talking to the big scary BABA hahahaha.good one.well i was just thinking that truely what wil b best way according to me to get someone.hmmm well first of ALL family comes sooooo the one must b from family side….but what prb is nowadays that guys want girls to say yes n to force their family rather than asking their parents that can v marry ur daughter.but truely can’t trust someone on net….as i feel i m not so sensible to take such a big decision,n i also don’t wana hurt my family.so i pray that someone comes in a form of proper proposal which my father should ask i like this guy what u say:) so then to c that person n meet in family gatherings n become frnd first then husband is better:) remaining ALLAH wil bring love as if ur heart is pure then 4 sure ALLAH helps.hope we all get the best v r waiting n dreaming 4 hahahha
[...] promised on the Friday video message that I would share with you how I met my husband, so here is the story, edited down of course, [...]
I used to be old-fashioned about proposals, but then I found out my dad is so modern he would refuse to answer if someone asked for my hand – he would tell them to ask me and only me for my hand. And I say, ‘But I don’t want it to be that I just run off with someone…’ He says, ‘I don’t expect you to obey me. You are a sensible person, I am sure you will make the right decision.’
When I told M about this, he thought this was evidence of an uncaring attitude! For me it’s pretty normal, actually, and I can’t fathom it. Maybe there is something to people’s concerns about cultural differences, even if all of them are (relatively) Western…
check this link may b u guys like it
specially the ones like me which r unmarried can get some good things to learn in this link.
I think proposal styles change over time. A lot of people ask the father as a formality but do propose to the girl personally so it’s not like she’s out of the loop
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