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Aug 182009
 

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There seems to be a problem within the Muslim community and that is the issue of giving advice or as some refer to it “naseeha”. For some reason there are those who feel that it is their duty and responsibility to point out everything that is wrong about someone without getting to know them first.

Unfortunately, this problem has caused many people to distance themselves from other Muslims and even creates a lot of resentment. I’ve seen it firsthand within my own family and friends and at times I’ve felt alienated myself.

I don’t want to go on a rant and put you in a negative mood, but I want to give some time for us all to reflect.

Why are we as women so catty with one another? Why is there so much jealousy between us? Why can’t we be happy for each other and each person’s success? Instead it seems many of us thrive on the drama of scandal and pointing out how other people are worse than us.

“Can you believe she took her hijab off?”

“I heard she was engaged 3 times!”

“I don’t know why she bothers wearing hijab, her pants are so tight!”

I’ll admit I have been one of those that criticized other people’s form of hijab when gossiping among friends, and it took me a few years to recognize that I felt that way because of a kind of jealousy deep down. There was this awe that these women did whatever they wanted and I was “following the rules” and it just didn’t seem fair. Because after all, here I was struggling to find my place and they just slid right into society without batting an eye.

But as I grew older and took the time to get to know people, I understood that everyone has a story behind their life.

People are in different phases and each person has a different understanding for what their purpose in life is.

Have any of you felt like this or am I alone in my thoughts? :)

  9 Responses to “We shouldn’t judge others but we do”

  1. :) i’m starting with a smile because this what happen to me when i started reading your post Mariam, i felt this way before and i thought is it just me? some girls wouldn’t even listen to my opinion even if it is my field and expertise and i always thought that it is weird, you have no idea how happy i’m to read your post this morning, it just made me feel like i’m not alone :)

  2. Assalaamualaikum Mariam!

    I most confess. One of the reasons that I gravitate to your blog is because I consider it a judgement free zone. Like Carib Muslimah you work under the assumption that people know what hijab is and if not you have videos that show hijab styles. You don’t dwell on what people don’t do -you remain fun and upbeat. Jazak Allah Khair for that!

    And you are so right jealously is a horrible trait that underlies a lot of the back biting and naysaying that we as Muslim women do. When we see another sister living her life out loud we sometimes realize how much we are limiting ourselves. I always say when you are busy doing things you want to do you don’t have time to hate on others.

  3. I’ve noticed myself doing this ALL the time, and I’ve had to stop myself. Especially since I (and probably everyone else in the world) have heard people say things about me, and it’s never a pleasant experience. But we tend to forget that when talking about others. :)
    I totally feel you on judging others and the way they wear their hijab, though. I especially hear that all the time at the masjid, and it makes me sad. The fact that someone is taking time out of their day to actually go to the masjid is a big thing. They shouldn’t be turned away by someone who’s being petty. And, frankly, I get turned off by masjids where all I see is the women being catty toward one another.

  4. Assalamu Alaikum –

    I resonate strongly with this topic – especially since I am a revert. I don’t have any Muslim friends since the Islamic population where I live is almost non-existent, but seeing so much discriminatory talk on the web about who’s wearing what the right way is very discouraging when I think about trying to contact some of the few Muslim women in my city.
    This is a very good thing to hear and it helps me to remember that not everyone is out to make life hard for others. I don’t wear Hijab all the time (sometimes I just wear a scarf that doesn’t cover my neck or anything) and that’s because I’m still working with how my family feels about it and trying to be sensitive to a very big change that I’m sure will take a little while for me.
    It’s just nice to know that there are Muslim women who don’t get overtaken by jealousy. We are all living for Allah after all, so why argue about how we do it?

  5. wa aleykom asalam everyone,

    THAT IS SO TRUE! I felt that same way for years. But I’m wayy over it now. It’s up to Allah to judge, not us. The reason why my mother doesn’t go pray in the mosque anymore is due to these stupid judgements other women tend to pass on her. And she’s a revert!

  6. Thanks for bringing this up. This kind of faux-helpful “advice” doesn’t help anyone; if anything, it pushes people away from the Muslim community. I’m in a very similar position as Anya and it’s discouraging, so thanks again, Mariam, for your thoughts. :D

  7. Thank you all for sharing your thoughts :) It’s good to know I’m not the only one hehe.

    I think maybe sometimes it takes maturity or some other kind of insight to realize that this stuff is so petty.

    I agree with you Samira about how people may see things in others they wish they could do. And thank you for noticing that this blog is judgement free :) I’ve tried my best to keep religious debate and politics out of it because it’s not my thing.

    This is supposed to be a fun and enjoyable place where people can take the information and do with it as they please.

    Clare and Anya don’t let people get you down. Take your time and do what you feel is right. And if anyone bugs you we’ve got your back! :)

  8. Thanks for bringing this up! I am really happy to see that so many women resonates with this issue. And for Mariam, congratulations! It just shows that if you bring forth positive energy (as how you have been doing with this site), you will also attract positive people (all the women that commented here). And I am sure there are many more who shared the same sentiments, although they are not leaving any comments.

    Again, thank you so much Mariam! . If only I am not too far to give you a big bear hearty hug!

  9. I often feel isolated and alone because of these very things Mariam mentioned and I feel that it’s a very hard place to be but the only place I have peace from them. You know the saying that your own people kick you when you are down, well I’ve lived through that feeling and it makes you turn inward away from those that seem so much more perfect than you are (and obviously are not). I like who I am and what has brought me through difficulties in my life has only strengthened me. We should all realize that people are different and it’s a joy to be around someone who is different. If they are not hurting anyone or against us then we should reach out to them to see what makes them tick so to speak. My sister told me years ago that I seem to always have the friends that no one wants. It’s sad because to me I think they are the cream of the crop and I love them for their differences. It’s easy to quickly judge but very hard to look past differences and get to know someone for who they really are.

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